One day you will accept that you are no longer able to get pregnant, and must face your future without conceiving your own child.
Deciding to have children is a huge decision and the beginning of an
emotional, eventful and exhausting time of your life.
And that is just while
you are trying to get pregnant.
You make that first decision and think this is
going to be the start of an incredible life raising your family.
But what if you don’t get pregnant?
What if you try, either just
naturally or through fertility treatment, but you are not successful, time
When do you stop trying?
How do you decide that enough is enough?
And when you do, how do you face life without children when you always
planned on a future with kids in it?
How to decide when to stop
When you stop trying really depends on the couple, and there is no
right or wrong time.
Just do what feels best for the two of you.
Some couples find it helpful to make a predetermined end point before
they even start, such as after 3 years, or 6 IVF sessions, or once they reach a
For some couples they will set aside a certain amount of money
they are willing to spend, and once this is reached, then move on.
If you agree on this beforehand or if you decide on your enough point
as you are going along, no one but you can know what is best.
decision to stop trying actively is a heartbreaking one, and comes with its own
grief that you must go through.
There can be added difficulty if you haven’t technically ‘stopped’,
that is you might not be using birth control again yet.
Instead you may just
have stopped using external treatments or tracking your cycles anymore, and
just have intercourse being about you as a couple again.
A word of warning though, if you are not using birth control however,
part of you may still be hanging on to the hope you’ll get pregnant.
In this case
somewhere down the track, you will need to face your end point again.
One day you will accept that you are no longer able to get pregnant,
and must face your future without conceiving your own child.
At that point you
then have to make another decision; are you going to try other forms of having
children such as surrogacy, donor sperm, or adoption?
Again, there is no right
answer to this question except what works best for you as a couple.
By no means do you have to go down another path, each one littered with
its own pitfalls and heartbreaks.
You would be well within your rights to just
stop once you’ve accepted you won’t conceive as a couple.
No one should judge
you for the decisions you make on your own personal journey, or expect anything
No one has experienced your exact challenges and pain.
Is it giving up, or failing?
It is neither.
It is acceptance of your future, and can give you a very
liberating freedom from the present.
There may have been many upsetting times during your trying to conceive
journey, and deciding to stop is another painful step to go through. But is can
also be cathartic, and a form of release from the pain of failure and
This can be when your healing begins.
People will always have questions for the rest of your life about
whether you have children, and if not, then why.
People like to have names and
explanations for these things.
You may wish to call yourself childfree, or childless, and choose not
to go into any further detail.
It might be helpful for you to do a bit of
research online into names or descriptions you can use, and throw a few around
with your partner.
Childfree can feel empowering, as though you have taken back control of
However, people who spent years trying and hoping sometimes call
themselves childless to clarify that it was not by choice, and they want people
to know they really wanted children.
What are some things that may help you face your
life without children?
#1 Connect with people you can talk to about what
you are feeling
You could do this through online forums, or through real life meet-ups
or support groups.
Look for groups for people who are Childless Not By Choice,
or Childless By Circumstance (the circumstance also included infertility).
Try some of the following links for more information:
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